In my journey to knowing God, I was not swayed by an intelligent argument that proved with empirical evidence that God is real, or that Jesus is the savior of humanity. I get that some people desire to have all the T’s crossed and the I’s dotted, but that was not my journey. To better understand my story, you need to understand my past.
I grew up in a broken home. My father was a drunkard and my home was consistently in chaos. I grew up in an environment that was mentally, emotionally, and verbally abusive. My father was never physically abusive, but there was lasting damage, nonetheless.
I began spending all my time away from home when I was about 13 years old. I wanted as far away from the chaos of my home life as I could get. Unfortunately, I could not run far enough or fast enough. My own behavior started to mirror that of my father. I turned into the thing I was running away from; I turned into a drunkard. While I was not abusive in the way that my father was, drinking left a heavy toll on me. I did many things under the influence of alcohol that still bring me shame.
I grew up never feeling loved and with a lot of resentment buried deep in my heart. There was a time in my life in my early twenties where I stayed drunk nearly every day. I worked the night shift and would start drinking most days when I got off work. Alcohol became my medication of choice to help cope with all the baggage I had carried over from childhood.
There were times when I got behind the wheel of a car, knowing I should not have been driving. I put not only my own life at risk, but the lives of others as well. I had moments where I would wake up and not remember how I had gotten from point A to point B. I also had periods in my life, days at a time, where I would not remember where or what had happened. I had stayed so drunk, for so long, that the details of the passing days seemed nonexistent.
It was in my early twenties that everything changed for me. My friend had, in his words, rededicated his life to God. He quit drinking and running around and started going to church and attending bible study. He became involved with a group of young adults and a ministry called C.R.O.S.S., Christians Reaching Others in Single Stewardship. God would eventually use my friend and this group to change the trajectory of my life.
Over the course of a few months, my friend had seemingly changed his life. He seemed more content, more focused, and more purposeful with his life. The obvious changes in him caused me to despair over the fact that I could only find comfort at the bottom of the next bottle of alcohol. It wasn’t long into my friend’s new journey that he invited me to attend a bible study. I don’t know what caused me to say yes, but I accepted.
I remember sitting in the living room of one of the members of the group, listening to them discuss the bible. I did not participate in the conversation. I just sat and listened. Honestly, I do not remember anything they talked about. I only remember, what I can only describe as a sense of excitement, that filled the room. There was an eagerness and an energy that I had never experienced before. On top of that, they were happy. They weren’t doing anything all that exciting, yet they were genuinely enjoying themselves. This was all together different than the type of fun and laughter I was used to when I was surrounded by people who required alcohol to free their inhibitions.
I began accepting more invitations to spend time with my buddy and the C.R.O.S.S. group. I eventually started making excuses why I couldn’t go to the bar or hang out with my other group of friends, who lived with the sole purpose of getting drunk. I found myself being more attracted to these strangers, their bible studies, and whatever it was that was different about them than the lure of mind-numbing intoxication.
I could not put a finger on what was different, but for the first time in my life I felt like I belonged. I did not know any of these people, but they welcomed me with open arms. I did not fully understand their conclusions when they would talk about the bible, but it was obvious that it was important to them and they got excited talking about it. I was not unfamiliar with the concept of God; I just didn’t think of Him in the way these folks did.
One night, after talking with my friend, I was driving to work, and it felt like the weight of my entire life came crashing down on me. I felt the despair that a life of drinking and frivolity had brought me. I was overwhelmed by the loneliness that I had experienced my whole life. I realize now that I was only able to wrestle with these feelings because I had been exposed to something all together different in the lives of this small group of people. I wanted what they had; and by their admission, what they had was a relationship with God. That night in my truck on the way to work, I prayed.
I had not come to any definite conclusions about God. I had not been convinced through reason and argument of His existence. I had only witnessed something in others that I did not possess, and I wanted it. So, I was honest.
“God, I don’t know if you are real, but I have heard that I should ask for forgiveness. Will you please forgive me?”
My prayer that night was longer than that, but these are the only words I remember with any sense of clarity. I was broken in more ways than one. I had never really felt loved, and my heart yearned for someone to love me. I found among these new friends, a feeling of acceptance that I had never experienced anywhere else. And that caused me to think seriously about the God that they seemed so fond of. If he could give me what I saw in them, I wanted Him to be real.
Years later, looking back on that moment in my life, I can say without hesitation that the cry of my heart was, “Lord, if you will love me, I will let you.” It has been nearly 23 years since I prayed that night in my truck and I have not regretted a single day since then. That night, my life changed. I do not have words to adequately explain the transformation that took place in me. I can only say, I was a new man.
In the 23 years since that prayer, I have dedicated my life to knowing God personally. God has supplied me with answers to my intellectual questions and He has satisfied any doubts that have come to mind along the journey. I did not need facts and data, or any other empirical evidence to take the first step towards God. The evidence that God provided me, was through ordinary people. He used them to accept me and love me, and that was enough for me to want to know more. To know Him more.
I share my story, not to dismiss the importance of studying the Bible, or pursuing God intellectually. This is exactly what the members of the C.R.O.S.S. group were doing when they got together for Bible study. What I think is important, is that I don’t remember one detail about any bible study I attended with them prior to that prayer in my truck. I only remember how they made me feel. I needed to be loved and they loved me. Because of their love, I invited God to love me, and He did.
What if we consistently did what Jesus asked His disciples to do when He said, “love your neighbor as yourselves?” Is it possible, that He knew there were broken people, just like me, who would need more than an intelligent argument for the existence of God — people who would be drawn towards God because of how followers of Christ made them feel?