I was introduced to the term survivor’s guilt a couple years ago while sitting and talking with my friends Larry and Tami. Tami and I were talking about our shared experience of coming close to death and living to tell about it.
About 15 years ago, Tami was diagnosed with cancer and told that she had about 30 days of life left to live. I may share her story at a later date, but it is sufficient to say that the medical staff that made the diagnosis was convinced that she would not survive. However, her story had a better ending.
I, on the other hand, was diagnosed as being in septic shock in August of 2013. At one point, days into my stay in ICU, and after I had started to stabilize, one of the doctors told my wife that if she would have waited another 30 minutes to bring me to the hospital I would not have survived. I think this is the most comforting thing he could think to say, because I am convinced that all the doctors and nurses involved in my treatment did not think I was going to live, but I somehow pulled through.
Our experiences are only important to that night because we both had been and continue to do a lot of soul searching about why we seemingly got extra time and others do not. In fact, her sister-in-law, Larry’s older sister, passed away from sepsis, and I lost one of my closest friends to cancer. Both deaths were very recent at the time.
It was so strange to have feelings of guilt as I tried to comfort my friend’s wife during that time of grief. More than anything I wanted her to know how much I loved her and that I was there for her if she needed anything at all. But every time I looked her in the eyes I had this nagging question that ran through my head, why me? Why did I get to live and Jim’s life was cut short. I felt the same way when I tried to comfort Larry when his sister died. Why did I survive and his sister did not? My case seemed to be so much worse than hers, but I seemingly got a pass.
I have come to discover that survivor’s guilt is a common feeling for people who have survived a near death encounter. It is common in cases like mine and Tami’s, where we survived a medical condition that others die from. It is also common in war veterans, first responders, Holocaust survivors, 9/11 survivors, transplant recipients, crash survivors, natural disaster survivors, parents who out live their children, and by those who have family members that commit suicide. (1)
I share that part of my story to share with you a few of the conclusions I have come to in the years since being in septic shock.
- I do not know why I get more days and others do not, but instead of feeling guilty, I am choosing to feel gratitude. Life is a gift. Even if it seems unfair that one person has it and another loses it. Or, that one person seems to get more of it than another. We have all heard the old adage, “life isn’t fair.” Quite literally, I have seen and experienced that it is not. However, it would be a tragedy to waste the gift that I have been given, and that is the outcome of guilt. It prevents one from actually living.
- Death comes to us all. Even though I have been given the gift of more life, I will not live forever. I read a quote a few years ago that said, “If today were your last day to live, would you want to be doing what you are doing right now?” Knowing that death is often unexpected, and having come so close already, I want to live a life with as few regrets as possible. I want my life to matter to those who are closest to me. I desperately want to get give my life away to my family and friends.
- More recently, I have begun to realize that my life is too hurried for many reasons. In order to give my life away to those that matter, I have to be more mindful and more present. Life is full of distractions. Some good and some bad, but people and relationships are life’s greatest reward.
I am sure that my experience with guilt pales in comparison to those who have experienced greater trauma, but my experience has caused me to wrestle with the issue of life and death. I choose to believe that life is a gift from God that should not be wasted, and none of us know how many days we have left. Let us fill the remainder of our days with life and not guilt or regret.